So what’s my morning routine like these days? How many hours am I meditating? How many books do I read?
Truth is I can’t seem to maintain anything for very long because I respond differently as soon as I get a good habit going. I’ll go for a week or two with a solid morning routine, using an app like “Productive” on iPhone and checking off my daily habits like a boss.
But then comes a time where I’m just like “fuck it” and I don’t care.
I end up playing it more by ear and meditating when I feel called to, instead of forcing myself every morning.
Funny thing, my meditations look a lot like naps these days lol.
I literally just lay down on my bed, flat on my back, and try to be as radically present as possible. I am often too much in my head, so I just need to get back to my body.
I’ll put my hands on my body in parts where they feel intuitively guided to go. My chest, throat, solar plexus, lower abdomen, etc.
And I’ll just breath into those areas that I feel pain or emotion. I stop trying to analyze why it’s there or what I’m doing wrong to get triggered.
I try to be as radically honest with myself as possible. There is no changing how I feel. No trying to fix or improve myself. But just accept what is happening and allow myself to feel it.
This is sometimes really hard.
I struggle with boredom the most. Feeling like I want to do something but just not knowing what to do. Nothing sounds good. I spend more time on the computer and my phone and hope something inspires me. But many times I’ll just feel depressed when I think about doing any work.
So with those feelings, I go into my little sacred womb area – my bed… and be with all these awkward emotions.
I used to be so much more motivated. I used to feel like I wanted to prove myself to the world and hustle like a rockstar. But all that feels so trite and cliche… my body is telling me a different story.
Many nights I feel like I am literally dying. I have to die to myself and collapse into the void of not knowing who I am or where I’m going. To accept that I have done all I could and this is where I am now.
As I breath through these negative emotions and sensations in my body, I’ll feel a yawn coming on. This is good.
I surrender into the yawn. Follow the breath… it’s going into different parts of my body. A rush of air enters my body as my back arches and chest vibrates with energy. Then I’ll exhale all of that in what feels like a major release. Often followed by tears welling up in my eyes and streaming down my face.
Then the next wave hits. Another big yawn. This time sending light into another part of my body… giving me a full-body tingling sensation. My feet want to kick and shake. I exhale all this and can even sense a taste in the back of my throat that I can only describe as the taste of bad vibes leaving my body.
This happens for about 30-60 minutes as I transition from being in my head, my ego, or my unconscious patterns… to being fully present in my body, surrendered to my soul. Surrendered to Truth.
I liken these epic yawns and surges of breath as my higher self entering my body. Taking up more space. And these dying parts of my self that are no longer serving me are leaving.
Then I’ll feel like my body is too small for my being. I feel the urge to stretch every which way and shake my limbs as I lie there feeling peaceful, safe, and loved.
I have no idea what just happened. Did I have some sort of tantric energy orgasm?
But sometimes it feels like… an exorcism!
Literally I feel gross icky energy leaving my body and new fresh energy takes it’s place. This new energy feels more authentic and more “me.” But at the same time, it’s unfamiliar and outside of time and space.
I don’t consciously understand what’s happening.I didn’t read this technique from a book or have a guru or shaman teach it to me.
It feels like after all this personal growth and spiritual work I’ve done over the past 5 years, none of it matters and this simple technique is all I need.
There is nothing to change, fix, improve, or get rid of. Everything that I hate about myself I love and accept. It’s so simple, but seems so radical. But hey, that’s what I’m going with right now.
I still love to read books and watch YouTube videos about healing and self love though. But I find that nothing is going to satisfy my inner craving more than just surrendering to Truth.
So when I get triggered by some dumb comment on the internet, or when the girl I’m dating does something innocent, but I end up having an emotional reaction that is lilke 10x the rational response, I take this as a call to go inward.
Into my sacred womb space that I created just for me. Nobody else is allowed in.
I’m sure you have something similar.
But as an intuitive, creative, and very mental Gemini, being “in the body” has always been quite difficult for me. I love to read my way out of problems. I love to be curious and find out why I react the way I am. Or dig deep into my childhood and find the root cause of my suffering.
I love to go big and think about the societal cause for why we are all suffering. It’s like the first awakening is to wake up to your own suffering. Then try to change or get rid of what is causing that suffering.
But then you realize it’s not actually helping as you keep pushing away parts of yourself that you find unworthy. If only you could get rid of this bad habit, stop being so sensitive, etc.
But those are exactly the parts of ourselves that we need to love the most. And with conscious awareness and loving intention, we can heal ourselves and integrate it’s lesson.
At the end of the day, I was alone and by myself. And nobody seemed to understand me or love me the way I wanted. It’s like you have a craving for something and nothing anyone else is doing is quite hitting the spot. Until you realize that you already know exactly what that is and can give it to yourself.
Everyone says to “fill your own cup” or to not be codependent or reliant on others for love or alignment. Haha, if only it was that easy. But it is… I think. I dunno.
That’s all for today.
Wow, I am not sure how I found your blog. Your honesty and clarity have helped me beyond words. The topic of proving oneself in the world, or in my case, trying desperately to justify my existence to myself and the world, resonates so deeply. After years of manic activity, I am convalescing from a weird accident. I can hardly move. Ohhh… time to feel the pain of a soul in a injured body. Time to think about hubris and frenetic activity and the belief in our own invincibility. Ouch. And many thanks.
Thanks for sharing Marcia.
WOW did this resonate. Yes to just needing to sit with things, YES to letting up on trying to fix or overcome, YES I TOO AM A MENTAL GEMINI JUST AS DESCRIBED!
Sorry for the all caps, just WOW. I found your blog again because I had saved your morning routine post from 2013 in my evernote and I’ve been cleaning my digital junk out and the me who saved the morning routine post is a totally different person who cared so much more about proving herself to the world. Just so much of what you said hit me and echoed thoughts I’ve had this week.
That’s awesome Elise! You reminded me to check myself whenever I’m acting out of a need to “proof myself to the world” and not out of a genuine desire to create.