It’s Jeff here, for Finley Fridays number five! Hope you had a good holiday and are savoring the last bits of 2023 before it comes to a end.
The theme of this week’s newsletter is something I really wasn’t planning on talking about, but here we are. I call it the “Getting Kinky” edition because I was a guest on a podcast this week and that’s what the host decided to title her episode with me.
Here’s a YouTube link as well
The podcast is called Welcome to My Chair with Brittany Giese. She reached out to me after reading a post I wrote about sexual kink, spirituality, and BDSM and wanted to discuss how it correlates with past traumas and emotional wounding.
I was down for talking about that. As some of you readers may remember, after my divorce in 2015 I went through a sexual healing phase in which I explored BDSM and kink. I did a great podcast with Leandra Vane a few years back talking about this and wrote a lengthy post about how sexual purity culture affected me.
I thought I’d put all that behind me. A few years ago I got very conscious of my privacy and how much I share online. Suddenly all the content I’d made about my sexuality felt embarrassing. Especially now that I was in a new relationship and felt uncomfortable talking publicly about it.
I took down some posts and eventually deleted my entire social media profiles because I no longer wanted an audience witnessing or commenting on whatever stuff I was going through. I started to think about what if my family read this? Or my new girlfriend’s family?
So when Brittany reached out to me to talk about this stuff, I was willing to do it if I didn’t use my full name. I wanted to be somewhat anonymous out of respect for my privacy and my partner’s.
On the day of the recording, the host was feeling inclined to shift topics to something more woo after exploring my site a bit more. She saw a blog post on Twin Flames and wanted to talk about that, and maybe get into manifestation, reality transurfing, free will and infinite timelines. Those are subjects I feel totally comfortable talking about publicly so I chose to go ahead with using my full name.
In the beginning of the episode, I touched on our initial idea of kink and BDSM as a segue to what we were really going to talk about, since it’s not something I currently practice or think about these days, I figure we’d just casually mention as we make our way into our other topics.
So when the podcast came out and the titles were “Getting Kinky with Jeff Finley” and “Deep Dive into Kink and BDSM” my stomach dropped. I immediately felt a sense of panic, doom, and shame.
OMG she is leading with the kink topic even though I made the intention to not focus on that.
Part of me felt misled. But that was mostly because I felt ashamed that my name was being associated with kink and BDSM, like it’s something bad. I legit had this panicky fear about what other people would think. I got intense paranoia about people judging me or assuming things about me.
Really, I was just flooded with shame because sex is still one of those things that is hard for me to own up to. I’d like to project this image that I’m healed and no longer think about that stuff. Or if I do, nobody else needs to know about it.
But the Universe has a funny way of getting me to face my fears. What if someone I know listened to this? So what? Maybe they’d have negative or critical things to say. Maybe they’d make fun of me. Or maybe they’ll actually appreciate how I was so open about it. Who knows!
It’s another lesson in that I just can’t control how others see me. I can waste a lot of energy thinking about what others may think or if they understand me in the way I hope.
But the truth is, when I put myself out there online, people are going to think whatever; and project onto me and my stories, their own experience and see me in their library of other content creators.
If they knew me from high school, college, or work, they’re going to have a specific box they put me in. We all do that. I realize how paralyzed I can be by entertaining these fearful thoughts.
It’s not like we even went into detail about my sex life or what I actually think about. It was just my name being associated with the word “kinky” is not exactly how I’m choosing to brand myself.
I thought of reaching out to Brittany to have her change the title.
But nah, I’m just going to own it. It is what it is. I’m human like the rest of you. A wiser part of me tells me that I’m also entitled to have my own opinion and am freely able to share my experience. If I’m kinky, so what. Sometimes I can be, other times I’m not.
So while the whole podcast may not be a “deep dive into kink and bdsm” like it’s advertised, it will probably get people to click. Maybe they’ll stick around and hear what an inspiring and joyful conversation we had about a lot of topics.
I ended our interview feeling really good about it. I’m glad I did it and want to do more of it.
What I’ve Been Working On:
- New Podcast Venture: I had a meeting scheduled with my new co-host to do some initial planning for our show. But we were both busy with holiday and family obligations so we rescheduled for next week.
- Trying out Rosebud AI Journal: I’ve been using Day One for over ten years, but have been experimenting with dialoguing with ChatGPT and Refract for more self-reflective journaling. Rosebud is a new app that integrates AI into journaling tailored around personal growth. You can write entries and have it analyze what you say or dive deeper in a more conversational way. It also remembers the people you mention and auto-tags your entries with different emotions and themes. I’m on their free plan at the moment. So far I’m digging it.
- Looking to start a new band: After listening to all this doom metal lately (bands like Conan, Faetooth, OM, etc) it really makes me want to jam out with other musicians and write heavy songs. I miss it dearly. I casually posted something in the Dayton Craigslist but not expecting much. I don’t even have an acoustic drum kit or a place to play. So I’m just putting out feelers and see what happens.
What I’ve Been Thinking About
- Reducing Importance on things I desire. In Reality Transurfing, this is a key concept in manifesting the reality you want to experience. If it feels really urgent or too serious, or if you feel too desperate, chances are this energy is repelling the thing you want.
- More play and fun. More joy and magic. Similar to reducing importance, I’ve been getting subtle signs from the Universe that I’m allowed to have more fun in my life. I’m reading Ali Abdaal’s new book Feel Good Productivity and he talks about making things more fun and less serious. That’s advice I want to follow more in 2024.
That’s all for now. Until next time, and Happy New Year!