This past month has been like a 180 from wherever I thought I was going. In my last post, I was talking about becoming a professional cuddler or sexual healer. Well, that’s not happening any time soon and I’m not really that interested anymore. It’s like the enthusiasm suddenly vanished over the past month and a half.
I’ve found myself much more interested in my electronic music project and making cool patches and pins. I even redesigned my website and officially migrated all my blog and podcast content to it. My creative energy suddenly ramped way up and my desire for the cuddle stuff just… dropped… much to my confusion. In the past I probably would have tried to hang on to it and push through, but I can’t do that anymore.
I also noticed several of my friendships seemed to be wrapping up. They just felt… “done” for a lack of a better word. Or more like, “complete.” Some felt a bit like break ups, others felt just a natural fading apart.
Completion seems to be what September has been about. This overwhelming sense of completing a cycle. Finishing up a batch of life lessons. Resolving karma. Tying up loose ends. Anyone else feel this way?
Speaking of which, I am finally finished with the legal separation from Go Media. It’s been almost two years since I left, so it feels great to finally have that done.
And you know what else feels complete right now? My spiritual path.
That’s an odd one, considering how that’s been my whole life for the past three years. Well, my spirituality isn’t going away, but it seems to have taken a turn inward. More into my own heart and inner wisdom instead of outward with spiritual teachers, books, and ideologies. Like an end of a cycle.
Holy Hell, Teal Swan, and Cults
What’s interesting is some of the video content that has been coming through my awareness lately. Have you seen the documentary Holy Hell on Netflix? It’s a documentary about a new age spiritual community that turned into a cult. I won’t spoil it, but it got pretty fucked up!
And I’ve seen so many other videos and blog posts related to cults. My watch-later list was filled! There’s currently a lot of drama regarding popular spiritual YouTube channel Teal Swan. Where she is accused of plagiarizing a bunch of parts in her latest book The Completion Process (again, the word “completion”) and being a cult leader with a manipulative agenda. Many people close to her were coming out with stories exposing her dark side.
While I wasn’t terribly affected by this personally, I felt like I saw it coming. In the age of the Internet and especially YouTube, everyone feels like they have a chance to become an expert. We’re encouraged to “build a following” are we not? I mean, there are “gurus” for every subject you can imagine. Find a niche and someone out there is offering tips, tricks, advice, and knowledge. It’s just that the spiritual variety tends to be the most questionable.
My reaction was pretty neutral. I felt a mature sense of wisdom in my own body. That I know what’s best for me, ultimately. I don’t need their advice or opinion on how to feel good, heal from past trauma, or be more enlightened. It did help me in the past, but right now my feelings are different.
The end of “guru culture”
I caught wind of the Mark Passio lecture about neo-feminism being part of an occult agenda to divide the sexes. His angry presentation style, which once invigorated a few years ago now felt contrived and unnecessary. I sat at watched all the people in the crowd applaud and cheer every time he got righteous. I thought it was weird how a guy who preaches against tyranny and for personal sovereignty is acting like a tyrant and people are following him for it. Yet he claims he doesn’t want followers or likes, yet he insists people listen to his 100+ podcast episodes or 4 hour presentations for “the truth” on what is really going on in this world. I get mixed messages and mixed feelings from him.
I gently said, nope, and closed my laptop. I don’t need this right now.
I shared this feeling with my friend Gigi, who is another spiritual YouTube personality who talks about metaphysical concepts, aliens, and psychic stuff. She agreed and we had ended up having a discussion about cults and gurus. Noticing that we’re all moving toward becoming our own gurus and not needing to seek outside ourselves for answers.
Coincidentally she, along with several of my other friends with spiritual YouTube channels, were called-out by an angry YouTube kid for their “magical thinking” concepts. He claimed they were all frauds out to take people’s money by providing vague spiritual services that claimed to help you clear your chakras, provide intuitive guidance, etc.
I felt bad for my friends who were shamed by this kid who took pleasure in calling them retards and cunts. Why was he putting so much hateful energy into his content? He must have been quite hurt by spiritual teachers in the past. Looking past his anger, he had a relatively good point overall – to be careful how we give our power away to other people who seem to “have the key” to that which we seek.
The best spiritual advice is always going to come from within. But we’ve been conditioned to believe that there are people “out there” who know better than we do.
Look at the new Tony Robbins documentary on Netflix. It’s called “I am not your guru” but he is in fact playing the role of a guru. While many enjoy his content and move on, others continue to worship the guy and give him a lot of their time and energy. His retreats are like rock concerts with so much hype. People pay thousands of dollars and some even sell all their possessions to attend them.
Is it a coincidence that this movie enters my awareness at the same time as all this stuff about cults and guru worship? There were many more including a successful musician claiming she’ll teach you the exact method on how she makes six figures a year from her music. It includes lots of fluff, promises, and success stories – but it just reeks of old-paradigm “guru” culture. The “follow me to the light” variety of gurus at least.
Resurfacing of my old wounds
After that settled down for a bit, I got another wave of content sweeping through my reality. I felt an intense urge to watch all these videos about feminism, men’s rights, social justice warriors, rape culture, etc. It left me with a sour feeling in my stomach and a mixed cocktail of rage, guilt, fear and pain. If you’re not familiar, just google “Trigglypuff” or “SJWs” and go down the rabbit hole.
But more importantly, it brought back up the shame I felt when I was “called out” by progressive activists for not being more “diverse” in my speaking roster for WMC Fest in 2011. I noticed how I reacted with a lot of shame and guilt. I believed them. In my desire to “do the right thing” I pretty much conceded control of my entire speaking lineup to the most vocal critics. Any attempt to defend myself I was just hit with phrases like “check your privilege” and “mansplaining.” With a belly full of shame, I was convinced I was ignorant and a little bit racist and homophobic and I need to do my part to help improve the world. I went along with it, feeling like I was on the “good side” of progress. I kept going until I eventually couldn’t anymore as I was overwhelmed by depression and my soul’s fire was barely a flicker.
And just when I think I’m over it, it shows back up in my reality in the form of YouTube videos, lectures, and documentaries. I felt all the shame and rage come back up as if it had never left my body. But there was a maturity and wisdom about it now. I felt like I wasn’t “in it” like I was before. But more an outside observer.
I felt compassion for both sides. But also noticed how nasty the social justice activists were behaving. I couldn’t help but realize that we are all humans and we’re doing this to each other. How is this adding more love and acceptance in the world? It just seems to be adding more rage, fear, and separation.
That’s a huge topic and I’m not that interested in going into it. I’m just observing how this old “wound” of mine has been re-opened this month with a much more mature perspective.
I also happened to watch this film called “A Girl Like Her” on Netflix which was about bullying in the age of social media. And it had me bawling my eyes out afterward as memories and emotions stemming from my own fights with bullies came bubbling back up. But I felt an enormous sense of completion and gratitude, like these lessons were coming to an end. It was like I could see how all of this is working itself out.
But right now, I’m alone. And that feels both freeing and depressing.
I don’t have a girlfriend. I don’t have a circle of friends. I don’t have a steady job. I don’t have a sure direction. I don’t have a clear definition on what my purpose is.
It’s like I’m in this empty void floating in nothingness. Is this what freedom is supposed to feel like?
I’ve had several nights where I felt paralyzed by a debilitating emotional pain for no apparent reason. I felt like I couldn’t leave the house and had no desire to do anything. I was even questioning why I am even alive right now. I just wanted to be done with life and to go back to my spirit body and evolve into the next thing.
A friend of mine suggested that maybe I’m bipolar or have some sort of manic depression. One curious thing is that I have a double simian line – which is my head and heart line on my palms form a single crease. This is rare enough on one hand, let alone both. According to scientific palmistry, some of the characteristics of the simian line are extremism, mania, intensity of focus and intensity of feelings. Highly intelligent and creative, yet suffers from anxiety and depression often. Also a tendency toward spirituality or mysticism. It’s a blessing and a curse. When the heart is aligned with something, there’s intense focus and genius. But when it’s not in alignment, it causes apathy, boredom, pain and grief.
Perhaps I could have a mental illness. But I don’t believe that. I could go a doctor, but I’m not interested in meds. I’ve never been one to take a substance to try to fix myself. My intuition knows I’ll get through this. I have a good head on my shoulders, and I trust my instincts. But I probably do need some help. I have no idea what form it should come in. It’s like all the stuff that helped me through my depression the past three years is “old news” and isn’t the remedy for me right now.
But I don’t like asking for advice or being a burden on anyone else, so that’s why I tend to stay quiet. I’m not one to complain.
I’m known to be an inspiration to others. I bring people up around me. But my shadow side is intense as well and tends to bring people down too. That’s why I don’t feel like going to someone else for help because I feel like they just don’t understand how intense I can really be. I don’t want pity or advice or being told what to do. I always thought I was good at vulnerability and speaking my truth, but it seems I am actually quite afraid of being seen. Hence why I tend to avoid writing these newsletters or being “out there” publicly.
That’s where the energy is at this moment. September is the number 9, and in numerology it’s all about completion and resolving karma and past ties. I’m feeling like my time in Austin is already coming to a close and I’m not sure where I’ll be headed next. But right now I’m going to continue to follow my creative energy and keep producing more music and making more cool stuff for Starseed Supply. That’s until my spirit decides to guide me somewhere else, we shall see.