I’ve been doing quite a bit of research and experimenting with desire and the guilt that I often carry with it.
Two people who have inspired me lately is Marcia B and Betty Martin. I have recently read Richard Unger‘s book Lifeprints, and determined how my fingerprints relate to my life lessons. (Read this post about my rare palms.) Sure enough, when I analyzed my own fingerprints, my lessons included desire guilt, speaking up for myself, communicating my needs, taking too much or not enough responsibility, and feeling controlled or oppressed. It’s uncanny how those lessons seem to parallel most of the archetypal problems I seem to face over and over in my life.
Betty and Marcia are two great teachers for me right now. Betty, wow, she has this thing called the Wheel of Consent that just blew my mind. I binge-watched all her videos a couple weeks ago. She is an inspiration to me to become some sort of professional cuddler or sexual healer. These two women help me believe that such a thing is possible.
I have been having lots of dreams about it. I want to help others heal from shame and guilt and to get the sexual satisfaction and healing they need. I told the Universe that I wanted to meet a person who does this work. And I also said I wanted to meet a porn performer or director so I can get curious about their world and see them in person instead of on-screen. I imagined it would change the way I viewed porn and humanize and demystify the whole thing.
A couple weeks ago I went to an Orgasmic Meditation intro workshop and when I walked in, there was a cute girl sitting on the side and I felt an attraction and curiosity with her so I chose to sit near her. We ended up talking and getting along really well. Turns out she’s a sex worker! And after getting to know her, she said she has performed in a few indie porn films as well. What are the chances? We both laughed at how we feel like we manifested each other into our lives. She’s offered to teach me and show me the ropes. I couldn’t be more excited!
The work she does includes a lot of tantra, healing, energy work, massage, and sexalogical bodywork. I’m not quite sure where the line is between this type of work and prostitution, and I admit, this gray area has scared me a bit as I peek my head into this industry to see if I fit anywhere. There are sexual surrogates, sacred intimates, erotic massage therapists, etc. There are certifications and “above board” type of things that go with it, but this is an area I’m studying and looking into.
Typing that I notice I feel a bit of shame, as if I might be ridiculed, punished, or arrested for talking about this. Hah, so it is. But if my friends here in Austin have anything to say about it, they keep telling me that I’d be great at it and I should pursue it. In fact, I had my first paid gig as a sexual healer last weekend when a woman hired me to help her new inexperienced boyfriend learn how to touch her properly. It felt authentic and genuine. Talk about edging into new territory!
But the first thing I am doing is working on my professional cuddling certification. That at least is a safer area to play in for now. I’m working with Cuddlist to get my certification, but I’m also in the process of launching my business with my friend called Cuddle Tribe. We are hosting group cuddling workshops and we do one-on-one sessions with clients and in fact we have one going on this Friday in Austin. It involves guiding the group through exercises of asking for what we want, saying no, consent, and non sexual physical touch. For so many of us adults, physical touch and cuddling has been linked to sex and so many of us are touch deprived. I didn’t realize how much this little thing could change my life.
So that’s what I’ve been up to. In other news, I’m still selling my patches on my Etsy store and vending at the Mystic Market, and I’m continuing to make music and do freelance graphic design to pay some bills. Financially, things are pretty scary for me, as I’m literally living paycheck to paycheck right now. I feel a bit of shame admitting that, like I’m not capable of making it on my own. The shame comes from feeling like I’m supposed to have it all put together, that I’m a successful professional. But I’m human and that’s where I’m at right now. But I honestly feel that the cuddling and healer work I will be doing is leading me in the right direction. That’s where my heart wants to go.
Here are a few links for things that have inspired me lately:
- The Juicy Truth – The website of a local sexual healer in Austin, she’s got a podcast and it’s awesome
- John Bradshaw – This guy drops some serious knowledge on shame and guilt. Love his books.
- Leandra Vane – Unlacing Pornography – A great series where she talks about her journey with viewing porn
- Betty Martin – Wheel of Consent – If you are a chronic “giver” and have a hard time receiving, watch this