I’ve been hanging out more with my new Austin lover and most of the time it’s really inspiring and positive. But the connection is so deep and psychic that she sees me and my weaknesses like nobody else. It’s kinda scary! She reflects back to me areas that I know are important for me to grow and heal.
For example here are some things that have come up for me:
1. Not feeling good enough.
This one comes up because I like her a lot, and generally feel like I want to impress her so she’ll like me back. Sounds so innocent doesn’t it? And I also am stepping into a whole new world, where I’m being introduced to her circle of friends who are all insanely talented, musical, conscious, loving, and artistic. In Cleveland I was familiar and successful and kind of a big fish in a small pond. In Austin, I’m struggling financially, completely unrooted, unfamiliar, and exposed to people who are “ahead” of me in terms of where I see myself going. It really shows me where I feel unworthy or a sense of lack in my abilities and self-esteem. But this awareness presents an opportunity to reverse it and see my own power and worth.
2. Feeling like I’m a burden.
This one has been a pattern for me for a long time, and I have seen it come up since I’ve been doing my self-love and healing work. It’s this sense that me having needs will make someone think I’m too much to handle and they will leave me. One of my healers told me a years ago that she saw this wound happen the moment I was conceived, that I felt like a burden on my family because they weren’t exactly prepared for their first child. Or I would do a good job stifling my tears or keeping my problems to myself. I am hyper sensitive to other people’s emotions and needs and historically put others first, while at the same time feeling conflicted that I’m not getting my own needs met. I’m just scared of expressing them. But M has noticed this already and has helped me feel safe in expressing my own needs. In her psychic wisdom she told me I need to reach out to my family for help, which I was scared to do. But I did and they are in fact stepping up to help me which I am so thankful for. It’s nice to feel like you can express your needs without feeling guilty or nervous that it’s too much. She said it’s time for them to be the parent and you can be the child. You don’t have to be responsible for them. Wise words!
3. I’m not always grounded.
I’m a Gemini, which is an air sign, and we are known for being very intellectual and imaginative. Which is the opposite of being practical, grounded, and down to earth. M is a very Earthy woman and has pointed out that it’s difficult to “find me” at times because my head is in the clouds. Yeah I know, in my marriage that was one of my ex-wife’s complaints about me too. To a practical and grounded person, I can be seen as aloof. Especially when I’m excited about channeling ETs or talking about abstract metaphysical concepts and having out of body experiences! My imagination and communication abilities are a gift, and I love that about me. But not being grounded actually makes me feel nervous, anxious, unstable, and easily blown around. It’s important for me to have roots. And I completely uprooted my life and moved to Austin, so yeah, it’s no wonder I’m ungrounded. I’m working on it. I’ve been taking walks in nature in my bare feet on a regular basis and spending a lot more time away from the computer. We go out dancing and I am so much more present and in my body when I’m dancing. I feel safe, stable, confident, and present.
Relationships are a Mirror
So in this new relationship with M, I’m discovering some major areas of growth potential for myself. It’s challenging and sometimes I feel like I’m not ready for this type of relationship that feels like I’m constantly triggered into noticing my flaws. But I have a strong intuition that this is for my highest good and I’m allowing more transformation and integration to take place. Even though I am triggered, there’s a feeling of safety and compassion surrounding it all. And a sense of greater spiritual purpose. I asked for a teacher to help me here in Austin and I got one!
I am more grounded and stable in my own body so I can safely channel my more esoteric and inspired ideas. I release this feeling of being a burden so I can safely express my desires and achieve my goals while getting the help I need. And finally, I’m sharpening my vision of my own worth and seeing my strength.
When I’m feeling grounded and worthy, I feel more joy and ecstasy. This translates into my work and ripples out into the universe. My success is directly tied to my ability to feel good about myself. It’s directly tied to me doing what I love every day. It’s directly tied to how safe I feel on Earth. Moving to Austin by myself like this is a crazy thing I know, and I uprooted my job and my marriage all at the same time. My choice, my responsibility. So I am thankful for this growth opportunity and I’m sure it will make one heck of a story later!