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I saw this post yesterday on Facebook the other day and thought it was on point. It was a list of 14 core differences between true love and toxic love. I’ve experienced my share of both.
It’s always hard to define what true love is, but another word is unconditional love. You may have felt divine, true love in one moment, but then dipped back into attached and needy love the next moment.
What is interesting, is as a collective, humanity is beginning to shift into more of the “true love” state of mind.At least, that’s what I’m noticing for myself. This is what I am calling “new world.” The “old world” paradigm is founded on separation, attachment, and fear. I notice thoughts and feelings come up that also carry this insight that this is “old world” and it’s bubbling up to my awareness for me to heal and integrate. This is something I am seeing myself naturally progress to the more I follow my heart’s instincts.
“Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working. Loving relationships are based upon appreciation & affection and not fear and manipulation.” – Lightshifter.com
Listen to this week’s podcast episode where I break down this list and give my oh so humble opinion on the matter.
14 Differences Between True Love and Toxic Love
(source I found it from, original source)
Love: Development of self first priority.
Toxic love: Obsession with relationship.
Love: Room to grow, expand; desire for others to grow.
Toxic love: Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love – may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness.
Love: Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love: Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.
Love: Encouragement of each other’s expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love: Preoccupation with other’s behavior; fear of other changing.
Love: Appropriate Trust (trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love: Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects “supply.”
Love: Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love: Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.
Love: Embracing of each other’s individuality.
Toxic love: Trying to change other to own image.
Love: Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love: Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.
Love: Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other’s mood.
Toxic love: Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.
Love: Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love: Fusion (being obsessed with each other’s problems and feelings.)
Love: Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love: Pressure around sex due to fear, insecurity & need for immediate gratification.
Love: Ability to enjoy solitude by being alone.
Toxic love: Unable to endure separation; clinging.
Love: Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love: Cycle of pain and despair.
Love: Conversations based upon intent to Understand, Help, or convey affection.
Toxic love: Conversations based upon intent to blame, defend, or manipulated
But of course, the world “love” is inaccurate when paired with the word “toxic”. That’s the problem – many think that behavior is part of love. When I married my first husband, the first year was almost unbearable – but because someone said that the first year of marriage can be the hardest, I stuck with it. Ended up being married to him for 5 years (and 15 on and off years altogether) and if I’d just have listened to myself that “this couldn’t be what marriage is all about” things might be different. No huge regrets as I had to go through it in order to learn, but I’m glad that I’ve learned that love is not all that toxic shit that we often mistake as endearing in the beginning. My first year and a half of marriage to my husband to day has been flippin’ fantastic – one of those “ahhh, there you are” kind of things. Not in a blind way, as we bicker regularly, but nothing in that toxic way whatsoever. He’s rad. We’re rad. I’m rad. Yeah!