I was trying not to complain too hard to my friend about my money situation. I felt embarrassed to even complain because nobody is forcing me to work for myself and make a living doing what I love. My privilege is not lost on me, but my soul was still aching.
She told me that I might just have to go out and get a job, like a lot of artists until my passion/purpose “clicks” and then I can leave and do it full time.
What she says makes logical sense. My mom even told me I might have to “bite the bullet” – which sounds a lot like the disempowered motivational advice such as “grin and bear it”, “suck it up”, or “take one for the team.” Part of me got righteously angry at the whole idea. I typed and retyped my reply to her, trying to not sound too idealistic, entitled, or bitter.
You see, I don’t have anything against the idea of being employed part time to pay the rent and then do my passion on the side. But part of me does feel like it’s “giving up” on my day-dream. I have rationalized the idea that maybe I could find an employer that was aligned with my goals in such a way that I could learn, grow, and meet the right people that will help me water my passion plant.
I thought it would be great to work a day job that brings me closer to nature, spirituality, metaphysical subjects, high vibrational people, and doesn’t require me to think too hard, sacrifice my authenticity, or work a ton of hours. But the idea of scouring job sites looking for that needle in a haystack job just make me sick to my stomach. I keel over in despair as soon as I start.
I know deep down it’s not supposed to be this way.
I applied for two jobs when I got to Austin because I didn’t trust myself to make enough money to survive on my own. I need that security. Unfortunately, I didn’t get either because I was “too entrepreneurial.” They wanted someone who was passionate about THEIR company, not someone who was going to jump ship once their side project “clicked.” Rats! I guess being a founder, owner, manager, author, podcaster, and all those fancy self-starter type things isn’t employee material.
Or maybe it’s just the Universe putting up stop signs because it really wants me to be ME at all costs? And to put my trust in my spirit, rather than money. I was so conflicted and angry and upset because I do not know what to do! Follow my heart… into poverty? Tuck my tail between my legs into the corporate world?
Feeling my frustration, Elz made a suggestion:
Imagine that money was a conscious being and have a conversation with it.
Sit down, tune in, and connect. Ask why it’s eluding me, or what I need to do differently. Right after Elz told me, I felt this connection. Aha! Yes, that’s exactly what I need to do right now.
We ended our chat and I went to my bed and felt all the pain, frustration, and fear building up. As a conscious meditator, I just allowed it to be and express itself within me without me getting wrapped up in it. I felt an urge to fight and complain and kick and scream.
So I just did, fuck it. I’m in my own bed. Nobody is around, so I just started yelling at the Universe to get out my frustration. I growled into my pillow and let out some more anger. I started rubbing my eyes and shaking my head and saying I just want to go HOME – back to my REAL home in the stars somewhere. I said I’m so fucking DONE with this matrix bullshit and to take me back home. Mission is over. Get me outta here!
As I did that the colors behind my eyes started to look like stars and swirling galaxies. I felt like maybe I was going back home for a minute. I felt a sense of calm come over me. I give up.
Then I remembered to connect to the energy behind money.
I tuned my awareness to money as a conscious being. Immediately I got a feminine essence. Yep, money is a she. And as I peered in closer, I sensed she was turned away from me. As I got closer, she was backing off, obviously scared of me. I tried to inquire, but she was so frightened of me. She looked so sad and depressed!
I sensed that she doesn’t trust me. Money doesn’t trust me? Interesting.
So I opened my heart to her and she felt safe enough to turn around. I asked her what was the matter and why she’s afraid of me. What she said was heartbreaking.
She said, “I’ve been abused, raped, exploited, and pillaged. Men have forced their will on me and have taken from me for a long, long time.” Wow. Tears began to stream down my face as I empathized with her and felt her suffering. She doesn’t trust me because she wasn’t sure if I was like them. She wasn’t sure if I was going to just take from her without asking.
I asked her, “So what do you want?” And I felt the knowing immediately, she said, “I want to be loved, cared for, respected, and appreciated for all I have to give.”
It was so painfully obvious. I was tapping into the energy of abundance. The nurturing and loving feminine energy of… Mother Earth. And in my vision, saw that she was very hurt and weak.
Wait a second. I was having a conversation with THE Mother Earth? Yes! Crazy, right? Well, maybe for some, but anyone can do this if they want to. Sit down and let your mind clear, open your heart, and then make the intention to connect with her. It’s like praying. You ask and connect and think in your mind or speak aloud. You listen for answers, you pay attention to your feelings, and any visions that arise in your minds eye. This is how you talk to non-physical beings and other forms of consciousness.
I had a vision of her being locked away. Hidden from view. And there were guards protecting the cage. I asked her about this. She said, “There are very powerful men who know my true power and gifts and they want it all to themselves. They milk me for my energy and then they condense it down into what you call money. They claim that THIS is the key to abundance, the secret to wealth, security, and nourishment. They turned my gift into their commodity and developed a complicated system to distribute it to the people and create layers of dependency. They take from me and try to prevent anyone else accessing my gifts without having to through them first.”
Wow. Why would they do this?
She said, “Because they became addicted to the power and control. They locked me up and hid me from view and presented their money system instead. Like religions, a certain few who know the truth distort it and twist it in their own way and resell it back to the population and gain worship, power, and control. They present themselves as the source of the wisdom, hiding the actual source from view through disinformation, propaganda, and fear.”
I was upset, I asked her, “You are so powerful, how do you let it happen?”
She said, “I do resist and fight back like you wouldn’t believe. Since my power is in my giving and providing, I can take it away to those I do not trust or appreciate what I have to offer. But the more I resist, the harder they force me. I am raped, abused, tortured, and neglected. I eventually just give in.”
I replied, “So that explains all the exploitation on the planet? And is this why humans are using technology to “improve” your foods because you are suffering and are trying to hold yourself back?”
“Yes that’s correct,” she said.
I apologize again and again for all her hurt. I ask her for forgiveness and how I can rebuild my relationship with her and what I need to do. She began to open up and her aura seemed to get brighter. I felt the trust grow a little between us.
She said, “I just need to be appreciated and loved. That is all. And I will be happy to nourish and provide for you. I was resistant because I wasn’t sure of your motivations. I’m sorry for being afraid.”
Wow, we had a lot longer chat, but that was the gist of it. We hugged, we cried together, we laughed together. It was amazing how this experience came to me today. I’m so grateful.
One other request she made of me was this:
“Don’t package me up and sell me as your own invention. Please help other people remember me and appreciate the gifts I have to offer.” I felt a bit intimidated by this request. Am I supposed to go out and preach about Mother Earth? “No, you do it in your own way that brings you joy. Just play and be joyful and bring others along with you to share the experience.”
Awesome, that feels right to me.
So I did have one last question, “So is money bad?” She said, “No, money is still me. You can make money and spend money, but don’t forget about me in the process. We have a lot of work left to do before the exploitative money system is eliminated. But for now, there’s no need to be angry or resentful. Just remember me, appreciate what I provide, and stay in touch. That is all for you to know at this time.”
Ah, so there we go. The divine feminine energy, the Earth Mother, the giver of all abundance with her words of wisdom. Thank you so much. It’s going to take me a while to integrate this and let it all sink in. While I am still nervous about HOW she will provide for me, I trust that she will. I think I’ll start with noticing all the ways in which she already is and then go from there.