Road Trip Update: Not Afraid of Love

I’m three weeks into my cross-country trip called the #starseedtour. It’s been a wild ride filled with beauty, romance, love, risk, uncertainty, hope, disappointment, and courage.

If there’s one major lesson I have learned on this trip is that I fully understand the pain of separation and the desire to connect. In every city I visit, there is one dominant thought that never escapes me: I want to connect deeply with someone.

I’m an introvert at heart, but something about being on the road and out of my comfort zone has me acting in a much more extroverted manner. Meeting new people makes me feel alive and bright!

While my beloved ex-wife and I have been emotionally divorced for over a year, it’s only been about a month since I officially moved out and made the physical separation. To be real with you, I didn’t realize how starved for deep, emotional connection I have been until I hit the road and started meeting people.

While I’ve been practicing a lot of self-love and healing the past couple years, there’s something about sharing feelings with a fellow human that feeds my soul. It’s like taking a drink of water after being thirsty for so long and not even knowing it.

I’ve discovered I have an intense desire for romance, beauty, freedom, honesty, authenticity, and spiritual connection. There are a few people on my trip who I have had the opportunity to share myself with. Confronting my own vulnerabilities, fears, insecurities, and jealousies. I’ve experienced amazing highs of being connected so beautifully with a person only to have to part ways and sink into despair and heartbreak.

There was one girl I felt particularly fond of in Los Angeles that completely stole my heart. I haven’t felt that connected to someone in a long time. Because I’m so connected to my feelings, falling in love is easy for me. And while intellectually we both knew we couldn’t have a typical relationship, I was willing to let go and let love do it’s thing. To trust that my heart will never steer me wrong. It blissfully collided us together and then tore us apart in just a matter of a few days. It was intense.

I cried Saturday night while sitting alone on an empty Venice Beach as the Pacific ocean crashed against the shore under the stars. And Sunday morning I cried even more tears as I listened to Bright Eyes while giving myself credit for the courage to face and own my feelings. It felt so good to actually cry (it’s been a while) and to feel the pain of separation fully. It helps me understand that I can stand strong in the feeling of grief and I’m not afraid to feel it. It’s all beautiful to me.

On the first night of my trip, I received a patch from These Are Things that said, “Not Afraid of Love” and I wore it on the sleeve of my jean jacket. This patch has been the catalyst for many deep conversations with total strangers and quietly become my motto on this trip. Not afraid of love!

Elz, one of the wisest women I know, describes my despair not as insecurity or attachment, but rather the fundamental pain of separation that all humans go through in the realm of duality here on Earth. This intense pain of separation fuels the desire to connect with others to feel the joy of who we are – the essence of LOVE. Beautiful. I will add that it’s a bit of a dance between fusion and separation. Coming together and pulling apart. Breathing in, breathing out.

So far, I’ve driven over 4,700 miles the past three weeks and have been to Columbus, Dayton, Indianapolis, Omaha, Mt. Rushmore, Yellowstone, Seattle, Mt. Shasta, San Francisco, Los Angeles, and Orange County. I’ve slept on couches, guest beds, airbnbs, cheap motels, and a couple tents – in the forest and on a beach. I’ve taken risks and exposed myself to new things including driving 4 fun-loving hippie/hobos five hours from Mt. Shasta to San Francisco in the middle of the night. What a rush!

I have 4 more weeks left on my trip and plan to pass through Sedona and Roswell on my way to Circles Conference in Grapevine, Texas. Then I’ll be headed further East toward Virginia to attend the Out of Body Exploration Intensive workshop at the Monroe Institute. I don’t really have plans to visit people in the cities that connect those destinations, so this second half of my trip might be more isolated. Which I’m ok with, but I might end up being a bit more spontaneous in my desire to connect.

All I know is that I’m already satisfied, already in love with life and am open to what the universe has to offer me. A bigger part of myself already knows what I need to experience joy, love, and inspiration. I look forward to seeing what that might be.

I’ll close with a paraphrased discussion I had with a Starseed I met in Indianapolis:

Be in a state of wonder. Be wonderFULL. Ask yourself, “I wonder what it would be like to…” And then watch as the universe answers your question by bringing you experiences you never thought possible. Be in gratitude for everything. Everyone you meet is a kindred spirit and everything is happening FOR you.