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I have a confession to make. Remember my post awhile back where I quit coffee? Well here I am drinking it again. In fact, if it wasn’t for the coffee-boost, I don’t think this post would have been written at all.

So I’m a hypocrite. I flip flop on my viewpoints. I was a wee bit scared to write this post because nobody likes a hypocrite. But I am more interested in speaking my truth and being open and real, than holding steadfast to any decision I’ve made.

At the end of my post on quitting coffee I declared that I refuse to be addicted. I’m so rebellious that I rebel against my rebellion. I’ve drank coffee just about every day for the past two weeks. But I don’t feel guilty about it. I feel like a champ actually.

Rebel Without a Buzz

When I quit coffee, I was convinced that Corporate America’s drug-of-choice was just a tool to keep the worker bee buzzing. It makes undesireable tasks easier to deal with. Workers can work for long hours at a time with no breaks. It is the “one thing” many employees look forward to at their dead-end, soul sucking jobs. I still believe this to be true.

While that sounds really righteous and rebellious, that’s not why I quit. I really quit because it started making me feel agitated and cracked out. I literally couldn’t handle the buzz anymore. I detoxed and took a break and when I reintroduced coffee I couldn’t even stomach it. Despite loving the taste of coffee, I couldn’t do it anymore.

Why did I start drinking again?

I started drinking coffee again because I needed some extra gas to help me finish all the work I needed in time for my book launch a couple weeks ago. I spent 12-14 hour days leading up to the launch date and coffee was a conscious choice. I didn’t care if I couldn’t sleep at night, I was focused like a laser on getting my work finished. Caffeine helped me push through.

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And for that I am grateful.

I enjoyed this boost so much that I wanted it every morning. I got used to it again and became a little dependent on it. I no longer had the insane jitters like I did before. As long as I had my cup before noon, it didn’t affect my sleep too much. The worst is when I’m lying in bed with what feels like electricity shooting up and down my legs constantly urging me to move around. During those moments I swear I’ll never drink coffee again.

A unique mental shift happened

During this time, I was waiting to feel guilty for giving up on my righteous anti-coffee crusade. I felt like I betrayed myself, but the weird thing was I didn’t actually care. I felt totally fine. I felt like coffee itself isn’t “wrong” even though I spent hours listening to audiobooks about the “truth of caffeine” and believable testimony from caffeine addicts.

I felt this relaxed and grounded state of being come over me. It was like I had gotten through a major blockage in my life – this belief that there’s a right and wrong way for me to live. That one way is better, or more “pure.” Or more “spiritual” or “divine.” And sometimes I’d beat myself up if I indulged too much in this “lower world.”

No longer did I have such high regard for “being in control” and changing my habits so much. Instead I felt a mature love and appreciation for who I am right now. I felt good enough as I am. I felt that I didn’t have to be perfect. I felt totally fine.

Being Good Enough As I Am

The idea of being pure has always entranced me. I felt like it was this attainable goal or destination. Even though I knew perfection was impossible, and that imperfection is actually what makes people relatable, I always felt an urge to be perfect. I can continue to eliminate what I thought was holding me back. The idea of personal development and self-mastery is so alluring but it can be a trap. There will always something to fix, change, or improve about myself. It never ends!

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But coffee (like porn, junk food, tv, and other “lower” desires), are still part of ME. Instead of rejecting that part of me, I felt a connection to it! I started having a greater appreciation for me as a whole being. It was this beautiful acceptance that allowed everything to be ok as it was. What a relief!

The good part is, I know this about myself now. My quitting coffee was in alignment with my truth at the time. And so is my decision to start drinking it again. So here I am. Hypocrite and flip flopper. I’ll probably quit again, and start again. But this is what it means to be human.

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