Yesterday I had to break up with a woman who I really love and care about, but the relationship was too triggering for me to continue any longer.
I am very sad to end what was a short (one month) but extremely deep emotional, spiritual, and physical connection. We fell in love, but she was scared of committing to me because she didn’t think I could keep up with her free spirited nature. I think she was right.
Out of My Element
I entered her world as a curious and enchanted boy who wanted to go wherever she went. She led me out of my comfort zone in so many ways. She was a world-traveler, gifted healer, spiritually connected, extremely earthy and natural. She was inspiring and was living a life that I wanted to live. I was just fascinated with her love of crystals, esoteric knowledge, playful spirit, and sense of wonder. She was on a similar path but just a few steps ahead, in my eyes.
I wasn’t able to be much of a leader in the relationship (which she admitted she found attractive) because I was so enthralled with her world. As I’m new to Austin, I haven’t exactly settled into my own world. I’m in the middle of a transition “what should I do with my life” phase. So the dynamic was me entering her world as opposed to her entering mine.
She loved being seen through my eyes of wonder though. She loved feeling safe to express her deepest emotions and to surrender to me during sacred love. She thought I was sexy, emotionally available, ambitious, open-hearted, conscious, and embodied a lot of what she’d been looking for in a man. She said I was a “gift from the universe.” She treated me so well.
She was a gift for me too. I finally found a partner who helped me become a better man in just about every area. I found a partner who had sex the way I did and we would practice our own version of tantra for hours and hours and could stare into each others eyes forever. I found a partner who loved me for who I was but encouraged me to be more true to myself and to let go of my self-doubts, fears, and limiting beliefs. She said she sees my true self, and just wants to shine light on it.
So what went wrong?
She sometimes had a hard time dealing with my melancholy moods. She admitted to feeling more attracted when I was happy and charismatic, but not as much when I was sad or introverted. I’d come alive and have a sparkle in my eye after a night of dancing, drumming, or cuddling. But there were those times when I’d be processing some doubts or feeling shy and it seemed to throw some muddy gunk into the picture. It just slowed us down.
The gifted healer she is, she’s not unfamilar with negative emotions. She works with people like that every day. Because she’s so experienced with transmuting emotions and healing old patterns, she’d do this work on me. She’d meditate with me. She’d process my pain with me. She’d hold me, love me, and stay with me until it was gone. While I am so grateful, I felt like I was the one processing my emotional issues and she was the one doing the healing.
I sometimes felt like she was trying to mold me into her ideal partner, even though she said she loved me for who I was. I would think, if I was just a bit more masculine, confident, or outgoing. If was just a bit more grounded and less anxious. If I was more in my body and less in my head… If I was a bit more free-spirited and uninhibited, then she’d be ready to commit.
She really loved how I was doing work to heal my wounds, love myself more, and let go of fear. She admired my dedication to self growth and my commitment to sacred love.
But I couldn’t keep up with her free spirit.
I would get jealous when she was so flirtatious and free-spirited around her guy friends. How was she able to be so loving and joyful all the time? Why don’t I feel like that? I felt like I just wasn’t worthy and didn’t know what she saw in me. Why would she want to be with me when she has so many conscious men in her life that she has more in common with? She seems to have so many choices of men, but why me?
Maybe she fell in love with me when she saw me playing drums and dancing. I was so confident, expressive, and in my body. But soon the introverted parts of myself started to show and she began to have concerns. I started to not look so hot anymore.
Hot and Cold
As our relationship continued, I started to feel so up and down. I’d have days where I’d feel like things just weren’t going to work out and days when I thought for sure it will. I started to think I needed to break up with her, but I didn’t because I felt like I’d be giving up on a really good foundation of communication and heart-centered love. I didn’t want to give up on something so soon when the relationship challenged me. Sure, certain circumstances would trigger my old wounds of abandonment, unworthiness, trust, and betrayal. But they were catalysts for more intimacy and and healing. I grew more and more as my awareness helped me heal those old patterns.
But the triggers did not stop.
We went on a week-long camping trip with three of her guy friends. I expected that we’d get closer on the trip, but what happened was I watched her get closer to one of those guys and further away from me. I was triggered every day by her flirtations and cuddling and free-spirited nature. I mean, I’m not used to this hippie free-love cuddle puddle stuff. I couldn’t really get away and felt myself feeling more isolated from the group and my lover.
My inner child was pounding on my solar plexus for help. I asked what he wanted and he demanded I stand up for him this time instead of trying to heal him and change. I asked what that looked like and he said he wanted get out of the painful briar patch I was putting him in for the sake of “growth.” All of this pain and suffering because “it’s for your own good” started to not make sense anymore.
So today I called her and shared these hard realizations.
She admitted to not being sure if she could commit to me, even though she was really attracted to me and loved our connection. She admitted to also having developed feelings for the other men in the group and was curious to explore them. I said “that’s fine, I just don’t want to be involved while you do.” And I bowed out. The conversation grew somber and quiet. She was upset I could tell. We shared our gratitude for the time we spent so far and what we loved about our connection. I told her we should stop seeing each other for the time being and reconnect later. We said our goodbyes and hung up.
Breaking up or saying “let’s take a break” is hard to do. There is definitely some love still there. Some magic still there. I don’t think we’re really done yet. But for now, this is what I needed to do.
I feel sad and nostalgic. I miss her already.