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attraction

Physical Attraction is So Weird

I’ve been so fascinated with physical attraction these days. You know, chemistry, sparks, crushes, and butterflies. That sorta thing.

Why do I feel that with one woman I’d consider “cute” but not with one I’d consider “hot.” I could even feel tingly after just a single picture and never hearing her voice or meeting her in person to experience her personality. Sometimes when I feel this way the relationship isn’t actually very satisfying. I find myself having a hard time being myself around them or sensing a “chasing” energy in me where I want their approval or reciprocal feelings. I might feel like I overly worried about what I say or how I’m coming across. Walking on eggshells. I might feel a deep longing, or my sexual attraction is really high.

But on the other hand, there are some women I have a beautiful, peaceful, and inspiring relationship where I don’t have those romantic “crushy” feelings for. I actually feel more true to myself and at ease in a lot of ways. But the sexual attraction isn’t as high. The relationship is often a lot healthier for both people too as it’s not full of drama, self doubt, etc. The only thing is that I sometimes “wish” that my sexual attraction was higher! I wish I was more turned on naturally but I’m not.

Here’s my intuitive and not-researched, non scientific reasoning.

The magnetic attraction that feels a lot like “romance” or a crush is the type of energy needed to pull two human beings together for a specific purpose or life lesson. To trigger each other and bring our awareness to parts of ourselves that have splintered off or suppressed throughout our lives due to trauma or bad experiences. You might be living out old patterns that occurred in your childhood, like trying to receive love from an unavailable mother or father figure. Why else do you stick around with people that hurt you? Because the attraction or the bond is so high. If it wasn’t there, we’d easily walk away from these relationships.

I meet women all the time who are surrounded by “good men” but find themselves feeling romantically attracted to bad men or “boys” that they need to parent or fix or chase. They admit that it’s a fucked up dynamic, and they wish they felt the chemistry with their platonic male friends. The sexual attraction works on a polarity of masculine and feminine energy. And perhaps their “good guy” friends are just too much like them to be creating that spark. Yet they get along great for that same reason.

But I still think attraction is weird! Why would just a photo of a girl start to stir up butterflies and chemistry? But another photo of an equally attractive girl just stir up sexual energy but not butterflies? Or another might be objectively hot, but not stir up any feelings?

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  1. Pretty simple. I know this isn’t how you like to think of things, but through an evolutionary biological perspective it all makes sense without much effort.

    -A photo of a girl being arousing (assumed to be attractive) – guys are more visual (focused on objects as opposed to people) and having attractive offspring increases their chances of survival.
    -The other girls are not equally attractive. That might be the liberal side of you, but if they were = (mathematically speaking) you’d have an equal response. Something is different you are not picking up on.
    -The objectively hot girl might be registered as out of your league. You’ve displayed some serious beta behavior in the past it could be your mechanism for not wasting your time and energy on an alpha female. This could explain going after cute vs hot. However, cute vs hot could go beyond comparing a 7 to a 9. Comparing, say, Kelly Clarkson to your favorite Porn Star you could see how cute and hot would differentiate vs someone of the same “caliber.”

    Further up,
    -Sticking with dysfunctional relationships is in large part due to the encoding that occurs when we are young. We think that is what love should be. It’s also our comfort zone. Think of how many people fail to lose weight because eating cheap garbage and sitting on the couch is comfortable. Going to the gym and eating a real food diet is not (for them).
    -If you’re chasing her and she’s not reciprocating she thinks or is, out of your league. Hence why it’s not satisfying, especially when you don’t or can’t “win.”
    -Those women you have great friendships with, but aren’t turned on by probably aren’t as attractive. It’s pretty uncommon to find it all in one person. It’s sort of a modern problem that we are trying to or being told to find a single person hot, a wife, a best friend, or tax accountant, and everything. That’s just asking for unhappiness, especially when the relationship fails.

    In short you, and I suffer from much of this as well, are wired at least in part like a conventional woman. It’s an uphill battle.