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Walking away from love

Which Attachment Style are You? Anxious, Avoidant or Secure? (ep 21)

In this episode of the Maker/Mistaker podcast, I welcome April Hannah back on the show to discuss the book Attached – The New Science of Adult Attachment and How it Can Help You Find – And Keep – Love.

Listen to the show by clicking the play button above, or find this episode in your podcast app or in iTunes.

Attached BookThe idea of attachment styles in relationships is interesting. It’s an attempt to shed new light on the patterns we have experienced in our relationships. Do we tend to attract unavailable partners or ones that want to control us? Do you have a fear of commitment or a fear that you’ll never find the one? This book explains three different styles – anxious, avoidant, and secure. Personally, I thought the book was interesting and definitely helped make me more aware of some of my patterns. But I felt like I could relate to ALL the different styles, even within the same relationship. Sometimes I feel anxious and overly worried if the person isn’t as close as I’d like. But then I’d feel anxious if they were getting too close. Hah!

Whether you like labels or you don’t, I think it’s a cool way to look at it.

Anxious attachment is rooted in the fear of abandonment. You crave being close to a partner but fear they won’t ever love you as much as you love them.

Avoidant attachment is rooted in the fear of losing independence or freedom. They like being in love, but are hypersensitive to being controlled or suppressed.

The secure attachment is what you think, more balanced. There doesn’t seem to be any overriding factor that constantly stresses out a person with a secure attachment style.

First, some updates from me this week:

Which one are you?

You can take the quiz here

When I took this quiz, I had a particular relationship at the forefront of my mind and I got anxious attachment. Yet I feel like the definition of secure suits me better. And while reading this book, I found that I resonated a lot with the avoidant tendencies – but I think that’s because I’m just getting out of a 12 year relationship/marriage and I don’t feel inclined to jump into a seriously committed relationship without exploring the single life for a little bit.

It’s hard to date and be romantic or sexual with women knowing you aren’t looking for the next long term partner. That produces some avoidant anxieties there! I’m currently more about exploring options and finding out what’s out there. So while I love being in love, I don’t want to feel possessed. Whereas when I was 20, I was more inclined to pair up and be exclusive. I do love intimacy and closeness, and I’m not historically an avoidant, more anxious. Unless they are too controlling… Errm, I don’t know what I am! :-)

Even though I don’t feel like I fit a particular label, it’s helpful to know there’s nothing wrong with me. And there is always a new way of looking at it. It has increased my awareness and has helped me come to terms with who I am. Yay!

Make sure you check April Hannah’s podcast Path 11! One of the best about consciousness and out of body experiences including interviews with greats like William Buhlman and Tom Campbell.

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