{"id":12654636780,"date":"2024-03-01T17:08:15","date_gmt":"2024-03-01T22:08:15","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/jefffinley.org\/?p=12654636780"},"modified":"2024-03-01T17:18:21","modified_gmt":"2024-03-01T22:18:21","slug":"sabotaging-my-way-to-success-work-money-and-purpose","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jefffinley.org\/sabotaging-my-way-to-success-work-money-and-purpose\/","title":{"rendered":"Sabotaging My Way to Success: Work, Money, and Purpose"},"content":{"rendered":"\n

So I had a call earlier this week with a listener of my old \u200bMaker\/Mistaker podcast\u200b<\/a>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She wanted to ask me about \u200bmy experience at the Monroe Institute\u200b<\/a> (a center for consciousness research and out of body exploration). She also wanted to ask about hiring me to help her with a logo and a website for her new coaching practice.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We had a great call, but I left feeling kinda discombobulated. Out of sorts. Confused and a little bit vulnerable.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

This call got me all mixed up inside because it exposed how conflicted I am about what I’m meant to be doing with my life. Confused about money and work and my purpose.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I felt like I forgot how to do business. Like I self-sabotage my own ability to sell my self as a designer because I’m too honest and forthcoming. It seems like a cosmic joke that when I’m hard up for work, I get a potential client asking me to do something for them, and I all but talk them out of hiring me!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So what happened?<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We talked for over two hours. It was an incredibly real, open-hearted and genuine conversation. It felt like we had known each other already and we jumped right in to talking about life’s biggest questions.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Perhaps this is because they felt like they knew me from listening to a bunch of my podcast episodes and right out of the gate, we’re talking about divorce, betrayal, spirituality, Christ consciousness, ascension, mysticism, truth, love, freedom, etc.).<\/p>\n\n\n\n

All of this was very enjoyable for me. I love talking and listening. Being present. I can feel my higher self there with me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

But then when it came time to talk about hiring me for design, I got a little insecure and nervous. She asked if I was interested in building her a website and doing an illustration for her new coaching business.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In my radically honest way, I said I certainly can<\/em> help her with that stuff, but my web design skills are not up to date, but I know someone who is that I could refer her to. Sure, I’d be happy to do what I know how (set up a WordPress site and customize a theme). I’m not a real web developer. Really, I just wanted to help her<\/em> get what she needs, even if that means not hiring me<\/em>.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Strike one? I could have just said yes, but no, I disqualify myself in the name of being honest. I couldn’t even have lied because my body language will betray me, especially to someone who seems very perceptive and aware.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And it did. My body language was visibly more inward and not showing an elevated passionate response to the idea of designing this stuff for her. Even though I call myself a designer, I’ve been largely out of the “game” for quite some time.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sure I have done maybe a dozen freelance gigs over the last few years, but design is not the skill I have spent the past decade practicing. I have honed my skills in emotional attunement, feeling feelings, healing trauma, mindfulness, developing presence, critical thinking, spiritual integrity, etc. But those aren’t going to pay my mother freaking billzzzz. \ud83d\ude2c<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Design is how I make money. Design is one thing I do for work that when I do it, it pays the most. A lot more than my Etsy shop<\/a> or any of my passive income streams. So it’s what I say when people ask me what I do for work. Even though I’m also a writer, podcaster, and music producer, and whatever other thing you’d call a creator these days.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I love “making cool shit and making shit cool.” I also love getting paid for it, but am growing increasingly more weird about money, so…. I told her up front that I didn’t even know what to charge these days, just that I wanted it to be fair.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Strike two? I don’t even know what I’m doing lol<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She noticed I seemed a bit off and jumped in to reassure me. To try and save me from embarrassing myself. She said I didn’t need to be on the bleeding edge of web design, she just needed something simple. Like a one-pager. Cool I can do that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

She also described an idea for the illustration she had in mind. Something mystical and angelic, something you might see on a spiritual life coach website. She commented how much of the designs in my portfolio are \u200bdark and a bit morbid\u200b<\/a>. Yes, that’s what you get after years of doing merch for punk and metal bands. Besides, I appreciate the dark elements. My style is not exactly love and light.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Again, as if I was compelled by a force greater than me, I just couldn’t lie or sell myself in any way other than being real and genuine. It’s like if you’re in an interview and you admit that you’re just there because you need to make money.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I mean, that’s usually how it is at every job interview. But you’re not supposed to actually say<\/em> that out loud. You’re supposed to pretend like you would love to work for their company and dedicate your life to their business. And say the right things and sell yourself accordingly. Certainly not tell them how you really<\/em> feel!<\/p>\n\n\n\n

It’s like that \u200bscene in Office Space\u200b<\/a>, one of my favorite movies. When Peter Gibbons has his meeting with “The Bobs” and just speaks freely, totally not giving a shit about working there. And the Bobs are totally thrown off guard but secretly impressed with his audacity. They offer him a promotion and a raise.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

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