This is a bit edgy for me to share. I feel kinda vulnerable because I’m breaking new ground for myself. I have talked about my sexuality before, but not in this kind of detail. It feels like I’m stepping into more of my authentic self.
On Wednesday I found myself naked at a sex party making out with a girl I just met. There was another couple having a threesome right beside us while others in the room watched or were involved in their own play. And it felt like the most natural and beautiful thing in the world. How the heck did I get here?
I know, I can’t believe I just typed those words.
But I wouldn’t have even been at this sex party without having gone to the cuddle party two days prior. Yes, a cuddle party.
The Cuddle Party
So last Monday, my friend asked, “There’s a cuddle party happening tonight with really great facilitators, do you want to go?” I instantly had an urge to say yes, but then felt the fear and doubt quickly squelch any excitement I had. I’d never been to anything like that and didn’t exactly see myself as the kind of person who goes to those things. But the opportunity to give and receive physical affection in a safe and organized environment sounded like exactly what I needed.
I’ve mentioned before how I felt like my physical and sexual needs were neglected and shut down most of my marriage. And since the divorce last year, I’ve been consciously exploring and rediscovering my sexuality as I release layers of guilt and shame. Dating has been more of an experiment of self-actualization than a search for a partner. So this cuddle party idea was just another experiment for me to try out.
What happened at the Cuddle Party
The party started in a circle with each person saying their name and why they were here. We ran through the rules, setting boundaries, learning how to say a proper yes and no, etc. We played some partner games to practice using our voice to ask for what we want, handle rejection (aka redirection), and get comfortable in the new setting. We did some Qigong meditation to get out of our heads and into our bodies. Everyone started to feel less nervous and more comfortable.
We got into groups of three and decided on a 5-minute cuddle activity. In my case, I was the middle of a spooning sandwich between two women. After the awkwardness of getting into position, I felt my anxiety just melt away as I rested into the position. We’d ask each other for permisison to put our hand in certain places, or if it felt good. We talked about how it was a little awkward but that relief and feelings of love were beginning to surface.
I started to feel so safe and loved. It felt so natural, and not weird anymore. After the 5 minutes were up, we were set free to explore and play with others for the next couple of hours. I ended up sticking with one of the women from my spooning sandwich. It was both of our’s first times and we felt like we were so glad we found each other. We would do eye gazing, talking about our feelings, tender touches, head and neck massages, etc. And by the end of the night, we were all blissed-out and bonded.
The Sex Party
The facilitators told us they were doing a sexual play party a few days later. I didn’t care because I definitely wasn’t going to a sex party. But wait, why not? My partner and I were both nervously excited to try it out. And we decided to be bold and adventurous and go! The thing was, tickets for single men were sold out, so I needed to find another female to bring to the party. I asked one of my platonic lady friends and she turned out to be quite intrigued. She had a lot of concerns and questions and was scared she wouldn’t be able to turn down a man’s request for sexual play. But after I told her about all the rules, she agreed to come along.
The day of the party I had a mild panic attack.
I couldn’t believe I was going to a sex party. What kind of person am I? A sex addict? A hippie? A poly person? What if nobody wants to be with me? What will people say if they see me naked? What if I want something but am too embarrassed to ask? What if I get rejected? What if it’s just too awkward and uncomfortable? I had to lay down and do some EFT tapping and meditation to get myself out of my panic. I started to feel at ease and I trusted I was going to be safe and ok.
Upon arriving at the venue, which was a house-turned-tantra-temple tucked away on a beautiful forested property, I felt at home. I had a strong feeling that I was right where I needed to be. I walked into the play room where about 20-30 fully clothed adults of all ages, genders, and body types sat in nervous excitement. I saw some familiar faces from the cuddle party, including my new friend and cuddle partner.
What’s your Mild or Wild?
The facilitators guided us through some meditation and ice breaker games to get us comfortable just like the cuddle party. We broke off into groups where we got to express our “mild and wilds.” Basically, we had to describe a mild desire that would make us feel like our experience was worth it, and our “wild” desire which was a far-out fantasy. It got everyone laughing and less tense.
We heard everything from foot massages and holding hands to double penetration and orgies. My “mild” was some cuddling and kissing, and my “wild” was a hot, 3-girl slobbery blow job. I sensed a little bit of shame around admitting my fantasy, as if someone was going to judge me for being perverted or bad. But I owned it and we all giggled and approved of our raunchy fantasies. What a relief to laugh and feel accepted! I felt lighter and more open as another layer or self-hate, shame, and fear just washed away.
I stayed with my cuddle partner from the other day and we went into a corner of the pillow and blanket-filled play room. Once we were set free, people slowly gathered into groups and had fully-clothed conversations as they got to know each other. The warm room was dimly lit as sensual Tantric music filled the space.
Let the play begin
My partner and I felt safe together. We cuddled and talked for awhile before anything else happened. A few other men came by and asked if they could give her a massage, but she chose to voice her “no” and set her boundaries. It felt slightly awkward at this point telling people no when you didn’t really have a reason other than you just don’t want to. But that’s how it’s done. The beautiful thing is that you don’t need a reason.
Things began to heat up as I asked if I could kiss her neck. I would also grab a handful of hair as I moved her head back to kiss her neck. It was hot. We noticed other people in the room were beginning to undress. I saw all sorts of body types, ages, colors, and genders. It was remarkable at how normal this felt. It was like humans in their natural habitat. The vibe was very positive and curious and playful.
Then this older couple laid down next to us and had full-on intercourse. They delighted in being witnessed, and they were so in love with each other. The eye contact, the tender touching, the slowness, the smiling. It was so much different than porn. I noticed that I was feeling a lot more than just turned on. I was feeling a warmness in my heart. A feeling of inspiration, joy. I wanted to celebrate them!
The woman asked if she could touch my foot since it was right by her. I said, “Of course!” It felt so obvious. She asked another man who was alone against the wall if he could come kiss her nipples as her partner penetrated her. She began to orgasm and her voice filled the room with joy. I felt myself get charged with sexual energy and so did my partner. Everyone I could see was paying attention and the entire vibration of the room shifted to something greater.
My partner asked if she could feel my cock. I was a full on yes at that point. We kissed harder and clothes began to come off. But stopping for consent each step of the way. It was actually quite hot to be asked like that. I ended up fully nude as she gave me a hand job and I fingered her to several orgasms. We lovingly gazed into each others eyes and this woman I had just met felt like someone I had known forever. At some point we realized we had a witness. A woman was watching us with delight and curiosity. It didn’t feel awkward at all, and again, I felt like I was right where I needed to be.
After the party, the woman who was watching came up to us and told us how inspiring it was to watch. She loved our eye contact and couldn’t believe we had only just met. She said it was so beautiful. I was floored! I had never been seen in that way and it really made me feel honored, respected, and grateful. It’s like my sexuality was not only validated, but appreciated, and even celebrated.
What I learned from the sex party
That’s the thing about a sex party like this. You can watch and discover how real humans have sex and make love to each other and it’s totally cool. I joked that it was the best documentary I’d ever seen. You can practice and try things out. You can get practice expressing your desires, saying no, and handling rejection. You can talk about your shameful desires and feel acceptance. You can show up as you are, without hiding anything.
I felt like I was really being seen for me, and not for this idealized, polished, or sanitized version of myself. That’s why I’m not afraid of sharing this publicly. Because this is the real me.
After the party
At the end, those of us who remained, gathered in a circle and got to share what our experience was like. So many positive and uplifting stories! We all were feeling super connected as we said our goodbyes. One bonus was the platonic friend I brought with me ended up having a fulfilling connection with a man she met there. She was overjoyed and glowing! I felt so happy for her!
My partner and I ended up seeing each other for the next three nights as we continued to play and explore. I felt like I no longer had to hide my desires or pretend not to have any. I didn’t feel ashamed about myself or my sexuality. I felt alive, confident, safe, peaceful, joyful, and present. There wasn’t any awkward “game” happening to seduce or manipulate each other into attraction. It was just authentic communication about feelings in a very present and mindful way. There wasn’t this awkward trajectory toward a girlfriend type relationship. In fact, it kind of transcends that whole paradigm altogether. Creating a sort of “meta relationship” that feels even deeper and more meaningful than dating. There aren’t really words to describe it.
The best part after having all this sex is I feel inspired to create. This goes without saying, but having sex is the best medicine. When my cup is filled, my needs are met, I feel fully empowered to create what my heart desires. I have energy and motivation and discipline. In other words, I was back in balance.
Getting back in balance
My 2nd chakra (the sacral or sexual chakra) is where we hold our shame. Stuck energies and emotions that haven’t been able to move or express themselves can block us up and keep us unbalanced. Sexual energy is also creative energy. It’s LIFE FORCE energy. I noticed that after this week, I felt tremendously less anxiety and more inspiration.
Getting laid really takes the edge off doesn’t it? Not only that, but true emotional intimacy and vulnerability combined with the acceptance and love and sexual union can heal so much of our problems. I understand that not everyone has the opportunity to experience this kind of intimacy. It’s truly a gift.