One thing I’ve noticed in spiritual and self-help circles is that being needy is bad. Actually, it’s appearing to be needy that’s bad. It’s a really unattractive quality. It’s associated with being “clingy” or “codependent” and it supposedly is a cardinal sin in dating or attracting a lover. I did a Google search on this and all I found were videos and articles about how to stop being needy. Sheesh.
I think it’s admirable to want to be self sufficient and independent, and to self-source our worth and happiness. That’s all good! But I’ve noticed that I can feel quite isolated in my quest for self-improvement. That I will avoid being emotional or sensitive with another as to not be a burden on them with my neediness. Like it’s a toxic virus that will scare away anyone important to me. Instead I must go meditate, read a book, pray, go for a walk in nature, talk to myself in a loving manner – basically do ANYTHING else instead of “whine” to someone else. I don’t want to appear needy. Don’t want to be caught complaining or bitching!
I’m supposed to “own my shit” and not suck the energy out of other people. Don’t wanna be an energetic vampire now. Empaths, can you relate?
When people close to me hold back their emotions to appear “cool” or “not needy” I sense a distancing from them. Like they are too afraid to let it out and be real. Or too afraid to trust me not to leave them. And when they do present their needy and vulnerable selves to me, I love them even more because of the bravery and courage it took to admit it. Sometims I see them embody their emotion so easily, I wonder how they do it! How can they cry like that? How can they show anger so easily? Isn’t that BAD? When someone is really emotive, even unconsciously, I secretly admire them for it. When I’m present for this, and feeling “needed” in this manner, I can feel the love of actually being there for someone. It’s nice.
All the empaths in the house say “Yeaaah!”
When we try to hide our neediness, we rob others of the joy of being there for someone. By trying to always be self-sufficient and independent, we lose the graceful state of depending on each other. I feel alive and fully present when I’m being there for someone when they are upset or emotional. I want to allow them to get to a place of peace and empowerment. I don’t want to step in, fix them, or solve their problems for them. I used to, but I realized that’s not what we need. We don’t need “fixed.” We just need to be there for each other. Through this letting down of our guard, this vulnerability, we become closer together.
By denying our neediness trying to “play it cool” or “not seem too eager” we are not being true to ourselves. I wouldn’t let this out in front of people because I didn’t want to complain. And we can’t forget about “men don’t cry” and all the masculinity stereotypes. Or that being emotional is only acceptable in private. Go meditate and come back later when you’ve got your issues sorted out.
I just want to say that it’s ok to be needy. To say you don’t know what the fuck you want or have no idea how to figure it out. It’s ok to need a hug, or to want to be kissed, or someone to love you. It’s ok to text back right away. It’s ok to show up 15 minutes early for the date because you’re excited. It’s ok to message your friend and say you’ve had a shitty day.
We all know that we don’t want to participate in the negative, complaining culture that is so prevalent today. We don’t want to blame others for our problems. But we can at least admit that we are needy sometimes. Most of us are more needy than we care to admit. And there’s nothing wrong with it.
Allow someone the joy of being there for you. See if it brings you closer.