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Trigger Warning: This post features graphic sexual descriptions.

Last night was fun. I met a woman on Tinder and we hooked up. I am happy because I got to express some of my once suppressed dominant desires, and I’m really liking this part of myself. There was some choking, hair pulling, and a bit of gagging – and while not crazy, this stuff is new and edgy for me.

As a peaceful, easy-going man with a natural proclivity to be a “good boy” and a “nice guy” I’ve repressed a lot of my aggressive tendencies to not be threatening to women. I was raised to believe sex was safe, nice, and loving. I learned that girls wanted tenderness and for guys to slow down and be soft. I often heard complaints the guy just jackhammers, cums too fast, is to rough, etc.

I was married to a good girl who’s idea of kinky was having sex in a different room, and talking about sex was “weird.” We had a dead bedroom that began when we got our first apartment together, and the sex got boring and quickly dried up. I found myself wanting sex but not getting it. And trying to rationalize, reason, persuade, or compromise my way to having sex with my wife. I was turned down for sex a lot, and was never initiated on.

It’s like the Universe was doing everything it could to show me that sex was bad and my desires for it were perverted or shameful. I ended up shutting down, never bothered to initiate, and told myself that Internet porn was the best I was going to get so I might as well not be ashamed of it anymore.

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I’ve consumed a lot of self-help material over the years trying to improve my situation. I tried to spice things up, do more chores, be more romantic, put it on the schedule, etc. That never worked.

Then I got into PUA and “game” – which whenever I tried acting on any of this, she sensed how I was acting different and didn’t like it. It caused more conflict and disagreement in our marriage and eventually both of us slowly crept into depression.

I asked for a divorce after I found out she was having multiple affairs over the course of the past year. It made no sense. How could she be out fucking other dudes while I’m sitting at home, being the good husband and reliable confidant, clearly not enjoying the gift of sex at all. It made no sense and I was very hurt by this.

I saw some healers and therapists and read more about how sexual attraction dries up in long term relationships. I considered how I might be part to blame. Why wasn’t my wife sexually attracted to me?

During all of this, the porn that I found myself most attracted to was rough sex, specifically rough blow jobs with lots of gagging and puking. I thought I was disgusting for watching and enjoying something so vile and degrading. It went against everything I had been brought up to believe about women.

I often got angry that I didn’t know any women in real life who I could act out this fantasy with. Who would actually want to be debased and degraded? What kind of women endures having a cock shoved down her throat until she pukes? And then asks for more? Was this all just a facade, a fake production of porn and not real life?

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After the divorce, I sought out and talked with women who admitted to me that they enjoyed rough sex and facefucking. I could not believe it, and I needed to hear them tell me why. It was like a total mindfuck. I was curious, intrigued, confused, angry, and turned on all at the same time.

Surely, a women who likes to be “abused” has got problems, right? But these women I talked to seemed to be perfectly normal. In fact, they were some of the most open minded, level headed, and expressive women that I knew. Successful, creative, inspiring. I respected them quite a bit and I started to feel like maybe I had just been living under a rock this whole time.

One of these women I found the courage to tell her all my private fantasies. She accepted me for who I was and didn’t judge me. I felt so relieved. She even offered to help me explore them with her if I ever was in her town. Sure enough, I ended up in her town a few months later and we hooked up.

She loved giving head. This was the first time I ever received a blow job from someone who wasn’t “doing me a favor”. Is this really true? Are there women out there that love to suck cock? Not only did she give me a great blow job, she was happy to deepthroat me and gag on my cock and played up the sloppiness of it just for me because she knew how I liked it. It was heaven!

But I still felt guilty after. Like I got to enjoy all that pleasure and she did all this “work” – I must owe her something! Even the orgasms I gave her didn’t seem to justify how amazing she made me feel. We had some good chats about it and she helped me feel comfortable receiving and insisted she did it because she wanted to. I left and went on to continue my journey.

This was the beginning of my sexual awakening.

Prior to last night, I’d been with a dozen or so sexual partners since the divorce. Each one offering a new experience for me and allowing me to step into more of my true self, including my “base” desires and all. I noticed that a part of me was beginning to come out that I had never seen before. That was my inner dominant nature.

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I always felt like I was sort of submissive – because I was agreeable and passive and tended to always ask for permission and play it safe. Because I felt like I was walking on eggshells with narcissists and demanding people in my life. It was clear to me what they wanted, so I was able to give them that. I was a happy giver. I loved to please.

So to experience this joy of a burgeoning primal beast within me was exhilarating to say the least.

I was still uncomfortable whenever I heard that “women secretly like to be dominated.” Really?

It wasn’t until I started studying Tantra and understanding the concepts of masculine and feminine energy, surrender, and trust. That’s when it clicked. I saw the beauty in a woman surrendering to the man, in a loving trustful way. And she got off on feeling his strength through letting him be in control of the sexual situation. This exchange of power was like a sacred gift that the partners give each other.

I could get down with that. And so I started to feel more accepting of my own masculine nature that I had been suppressing. But I had to look directly into my shame and fear and anger and grief.

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I kept working at this. Each new sex partner I had I let more of myself show through. These women LOVED it when I’d pull their hair or show them my more aggressive sides. In fact, they couldn’t get enough of it and I realized I was still playing it safe. They could handle so much more and were so much stronger than I was conditioned to believe.

A few months ago I met a new lover off Tinder and we got along pretty well. We talked about our sexual desires – which included me being upfront and open about wanting rough blowjobs and being more dominant. She was actually into it. No shaming or guilt here. But man, it was so hard to admit to this. I’m so used to being shamed for having ANY sexual desire, so to admit that I want something that most normal folks would consider gross or offensive was very difficult. But she thought it was no big deal.

We hooked up and played around with some facefucking and some slapping. We talked about it a lot afterwards and we shared vulnerable stories and really connected. But after awhile I started to feel like she was sort of performing and not really in touch with her true sexuality. She wanted to smoke weed or drink before sex and I felt like she’d rather just close her eyes and fuck instead of consciously look at everything we were doing.

It occurred to me that not everyone in this world is having sex with so much conscious attention as I was. I couldn’t have sex with someone who I felt was not fully present or was dissociating part of themselves in order to please me.

I realized part of asking for what I want is actually receiving it. People are more than willing to give me what I want I found out. They’re actively looking for me to KNOW what I want and to declare it. And to oftentimes take what I want. To “have my way” with her so to speak.

I still have a difficult time receiving what I want. Yeah, I’m in the middle of a hot as fuck sex act with a woman who is equally into it. Yet I’m in my head thinking that what I want is still somewhat depraved or I’m not good enough to receive it.

So last night was a good example.

See, I was GOOD up until the point where I reached my edge. I had no issue pulling her hair, putting pressure on her throat, making her cum several times, and generally being a good lover. That’s my sexual expression and it’s very authentic.

But I hadn’t been receiving much attention. I was “doing” quite a bit of work, and while it was super hot and enjoyable for me, a still small voice in the back of my mind was sad that it wasn’t getting the same sort of attention.

As she lay there in glassy-eyed ecstasy after her 3rd or 4th orgasm, I mustered up the courage to say that I really wanted to get off too. In this moment I felt so meek. So timid and shy that my expression of desire sounded more like a plead for some table scraps by way of a reluctant hand-job. The oh-so familiar feeling I felt as a married man in a dead bedroom.

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She said “Are you trying to say you want some help getting off? I mean, I got off, it’s only fair that you do too.” I said, yeah. I opened up a bit more and told her that this was a pattern of mine I’m working on. I explained a bit how receiving is still difficult for me.

She happily tried to get me off, being a good sport and all. But I just couldn’t get there. I felt like she was doing me a favor. I kind of diverted attention away from myself by getting on top of her and being more dominant while she stroked my cock. I could feel myself getting harder and more turned on.

But it still wasn’t quite doing it for me.

I got some lube and that helped. But still not doing the trick.

Then I asked her if she would stick her fingers in her mouth and gag herself.

OMG that was so hard for me to ask. Again, the meek plead for scraps. She recognized the kinky nature, and obliged. Gagging herself on her hand several times and I felt the instant surge of pleasure in my body seeing her do it.

Then the voices in my head returned. Was this really OK? Is this allowed? This seems wrong. This is gross. I’m bad for wanting this.

I really tried to get off. I really did. My head went to a porn fantasy, but I even felt bad about doing that because I was dissociating myself and not being fully in the moment.

In the end I didn’t climax. Which I am normally ok with but I’ve noticed this is a pattern. I last too long. I can’t seem to cum unless what we’re doing is a bit kinky or naughty. Or I’m SURE she’s really enjoying pleasing me.

While I felt considerably less guilt for my other desires, this was my edge. I’m glad I stepped into it. We talked about it afterward, and I felt small and timid. I mean, I was feeling like a sex God just moments before and now I’m a little boy. Surely, she’s going to get a creepy weird vibe from me, lose attraction, and not want to be with me again.

She stayed the night and I slept on it. I felt better about things in the morning and it was good knowing she was still there. I drove her home and we said we want to see each other again. I was happy and content, but still felt some awkward feelings. A bit of a vulnerability hangover but still mixed with love and acceptance of myself for being true to myself and pushing my edge of my true desires.

She was really chill and willing and even said I could have pushed her harder. She WANTS me to know what I want and to be the full expression of my sexual self. But in those moments when I don’t know, or that I’m feeling scared or timid and extremely unsexy, does she still want me?

I guess it doesn’t matter what she thinks of me. If she fades or ghosts me and doesn’t want to continue to explore sex with me on this level, I understand. I am happy with myself and how I’m growing. Taking what was just fantasy and “that will never be me” and putting into real-life. It’s such a pleasure to watch this part of me bloom and I’m excited to see where it goes next.

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