I’ve been reflecting on the short love relationship I recently ended. I learned a lot about how I was not respecting myself, enduring painful triggers because I thought it was “good for me” to help me learn.

But it was a few dreams that really gave me some insightful clarity. The first dream was about a female friend of mine that left me feeling ignored and frustrated. In the dream, I kept trying to get her attention and she wasn’t giving it to me. Upon waking, I started to get a “download” of clarity from my higher self that the whole “attention” thing is hugely important.

Whatever we focus our attention on grows. Whatever we ignore shrivels up and dies.

I also realized my attention is like warm sunlight and it holds POWER. I started noticing how fragmented and diffuse my attention is. Distracted and cluttered and unfocused. It’s obvious when I can’t sit through an episode of Game of Thrones without checking Facebook, OKC, or Instagram constantly. Attention is hugely powerful! There’s a reason advertisers pay so much money to get it from you. Because it literally makes things grow.

This dream showed me how I was still looking outside myself for attention and love.

I was still trying to GET love and attention from other people in a way that they weren’t able to do. And my frustration lies with me trying over and over again to get it. Trying to get milk from a hardware store. Figuring out what I need to change, fix, or improve about myself so that she would finally give it to me.

You see, it has nothing to do with me being “good enough” for her attention. But rather a glaring reflection of how I am ignoring a part of myself.

More and more I am realizing that the desire for self-improvement comes with it the assumption that we’re not good enough as we are. And that external results will come after we finally fix that one thing about ourselves that’s holding us back. Or we’ll finally get that dream partner or dream job if we just were this much  better. It’s all a bunch of shit actually. It’s not real.

Relationships Are a Reflection of You

Being attracted to partners that aren’t showing you the attention you deserve is because you’re disconnected from your self. It could be your internal sense of self-worth being reflected back to you by this other person. It also could be the manifestation of a belief that you must “work hard” to “win” the approval or attraction of others. I certainly have that belief. It’s also bullshit.

And with that, I can toss most male targeted dating advice out the window. It’s not about getting the girl or getting the “prize” of sex. To sum up most male dating advice, “Sex with hot girl is holy grail. Man get sex, man is happy. So to get sex, you must be confident, be attractive, say this, don’t say that, don’t be needy, etc.” If all things go right, the woman will be so impressed and her biology will be so stimulated that she’ll want to have sex with you and then you win. Hooray. That’s where the story ends folks. Rinse and repeat, while still feeling empty inside, and you might come to find deeper meaning in all of this.

I had another dream of clarity that shed light on this issue for me personally. In this dream that same girl was giving me all sorts of platonic attention but somehow I wasn’t satisfied. I wanted sexual attention. In the dream, I kept noticing her breasts and feeling frustrated. I wanted them, but couldn’t have them. It’s like they were the key to my happiness, but I couldn’t speak up or get her to want to give them to me.

I woke up and realized it wasn’t “sex” I was after, but a feeling that I associate with sex. Which is love and nourishment. A feeling of bonding. A sense of peace and safety. Of being truly vulnerable, yet accepted. I realized I could not speak up in the dream and felt powerless to get this need met. I felt ashamed to even have this need!

Mommy Issues?

In my post-dream state, I felt into this feeling even more and saw a vision of my early childhood where my mother was breastfeeding me. Wait, so there’s a connection between sex and my mom? I know. The intimacy that I feel after sex is very closely related to the primal intimacy my baby-self experienced with my mother. And… probably why I’m a “boob guy,” so there’s that.

This probably meant that my time nuzzled up to mommy’s breast was short lived. The vision showed me I never got enough. I would cry or try to get her attention to give it to me, but I was ignored or she would get annoyed or angry. It was clear she felt overwhelmed with my demands. I saw in the vision that there were times she gave in, but felt stressed and overburdened. I ingested all those emotions and with it came a sense of guilt. That I was responsible for her stress. So again, I felt like I had to do things or be a certain way to help her not feel stressed so that I might get a chance at getting nourished and loved. Like not make a fuss, be a good boy, etc. And yeah, no wonder I couldn’t speak up, because I didn’t know how yet!

Integrating and Healing the Inner Child

It’s interesting, my craving for sexual love is so innocent. Yet I feel somewhat unable to receive it properly. It explains so much of my past relationships with women where my physical needs were largely ignored and I wasn’t able to speak up for them in a healthy way. It seems clear to me that I can heal this pattern by becoming aware of it for one, and for two – paying attention to the wounded inner child that feels ashamed to have this need.

How can I help you, dear one? As I like to say, “you gotta feel it to heal it.” Essentially letting that wound express it self without me trying to fix it or get rid of it. That means facing it and feeling the painful emotions come up: like being ignored, abandoned, not seen, not heard, overlooked, and being a burden.

Then my adult self can step in and provide the safety and comfort that my inner child needs to be able to clearly express itself. And what happens after a baby cries for awhile in a loving space? The pain goes away, he feels loved and safe, and then wants to go play and express himself. No more shame or guilt.

I’m also practicing more EFT – Emotional Freedom Technique – commonly known as “tapping.” Basically, you tap on certain acupuncture points while talking about your issue to yourself with lots of acceptance and self love. It’s a great way to let old fears and bad habits move their way out of your nervous system naturally and quickly like they’re supposed to! You can rewire your brain on issues around money, relationships, worries, etc. I actually thank my lover from last month for introducing me to tapping!

While I seem to be going through some dramatic changes right now, I am actually quite excited. My old house has crumbled but now I’m laying the foundation for a brand new house. The next half of my life is going to be rooted truth, love, and freedom. Three of my guiding principles that I hold dear to my heart.

Author Jeff Finley

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